With just a
week away from it being 7 years since you left I take a moment to think…would
you be proud of me? Sure, I also wonder what it would be like if you were
around, what I would be doing if your sudden death hadn’t turned our worlds
upside down, what career you would have gotten into and if I liked the girl you
were dating. So besides all that, would you be proud of being my little brother?
I’d like to think so. I feel you next to me as I ask myself this question, arms
around my shoulder with that crooked grin and mischievous twinkle in your eye
looking down on me (because yes, you are now taller than me) saying something
like “naahhh” in a very sarcastic tone.
The truth
is you parting defined who I am today. I am probably not as independent as I
wish I were, as my path was setting me out to be seven years ago. You parting
made me worry, it made me worry about mom and dad, it made me worry about dying
and making them live through that again. So I stuck closer, I inadvertently tried
juggling through the holidays and birthdays and I looked strong doing it. Slowly, I began to crumble until five years
later had my breaking point and decided to turn things around. You would have
been proud.
Now, two
years later it might seem like im lingering through life and I admit I worry a
lot at times to feel that im “wasting my time”. But I’m not sure if its really
an internal worry of part of the pressure society puts on what success is and
what we “should” be doing with our lives. I am slowly coming to terms that I
have a different perspective on success and the things I am willing to do to
get there and what matters the most, I am beginning to feel OK with that. No, I
will not work doing something that makes me miserable – ever. I have learned
life is too short to be miserable and although not everyday is going to be
great and filled with success and happiness you have to make the best of it and
wake up with the right attitude....
To be continued...at some point
