Runing into a burning building is never fun

So, ever heard of someone running into a building thats on fire with the soul idea that for some miraculously reason he might survive? No? Yea, probably not because if someone actually did that 1) they’d be dead and 2) its the stupidest shitt you could possibly do.

Well, I did it…I ran into a building on fire expecting I would be the miraculous survivor and… ended up with third degree burns (not dying though). I’m telling you this was a big ass fire…and slow burning too, people said "don't go in!" but I was dumbfounded by its color. It had pretty and good smelling smoke too that just fooled you into believing you were safe until all of a sudden you realized you were suffocating in the nice fumes and there was not a chance of you getting out.

Good thing is, I talked to my doctor and I’ll be fine in a few days. He said “you’ve been through shitt way worst than this…you’ll be OK. In the meantime, rub some calendula on your heart to make it heal faster without scarring.”  

Yea, and if you read this after my previous post...I put my feet in the tub and it was fucking way too hot. 

That moment...

You know that moment when you’re just getting in a hot tub? Where the water is way too hot, so much it burns your toes but you know if you slowly put your feet in you’ll get used to it and enjoy it. You’ve been in hot tubs before, you know they’re great and make you feel all nice and relaxed but still…its hot, it burns, what if you just wait? Will it get too cold to accomplish its purpose? Or should you just go for it, put both feet in and probably get burned?

Jane Goodall is my rockstar

Up until today I thought EVERYONE knew who Jane Goodall was. Apparently, I was wrong seeing as everyone I told I was going to a Jane Goodall talk that night had no idea who she was. I shared this concern to my mom and she reassured me that I was the weird one, and that no…she isn’t up there with The Beatles for everyone. Because yes, today seeing Dr. Goodall felt the same as the day I went to see Paul McCartney in concert. Some people might think I’m insane or even offended by that comment but its the truth…to me, Jane Goodall is a freaking rock star.

I had completely disconnected myself from how much her story amazed me at such a young age and I am pretty damn sure it stayed in my head and became a part of who I am today. My mom clearly remembers the day I got home with a library book extremely excited telling her about how this woman had gone into the jungle to live and learn about chimps. See…the thing about Jane Goodall, to me, wasn’t about what she discovered in her investigations – it was about her. This woman broke the rules, she redefined the way we see animals and the way we practice science. She went at the age of 23, without a college degree, into Africa, to learn about chimps. She was a dreamer, but didn’t stay dreaming…she did it. She freaking lived it! Even more amazing, after achieving her life long dream, she realized that it wasn’t all about HER dream or what she loved doing, but that she could help others and that her story and her life could give HOPE to those around her. In the past decades her organization has focused on the youth, on giving them support and maintaining that hope for humanity alive. I have said many times I have lost my faith in humanity, that’s why I like animals so much better…it’s a very sad thing to say and feel but just turning on the TV or reading a newspaper would confirm that phrase. However, there are moments, there are people I have met, and today was a reminder of those…there are people that aren’t bad. There are some that haven’t given up, that think of solutions and go out there and make the changes they want to see happen.

(I’m still sticking to animals though).

Anywho, this might just be a bunch of jibbery talk from a very excited person…but if you have read this far, just take a couple of minutes and read up on Jane Goodall’s life, her goals, her achievements, that sense of tranquility that she manages to irradiate. Maybe you’ll understand me a little better because I think I just unlocked a piece of the puzzle in the “who am i?” game.

Have a goodnight, I’m going to bed happy and I hope you are too.

A little midnight ramble...

Six years ago today I went to bed like any other day, not expecting that in less that 24h my world would be moved upside down and broken. I don't remember anything too particular from that day, watched some funny videos with my brother on youtube, went to bed. No red flags, no warning, nop, nothing. Life is simply that, unexpected. No matter how ready you are for things, life will make sure to change your plans somehow,  by little changes or massive ones. 
A year ago I embarked on a very exciting and surprising journey in which I said goodbye to having this one day, this one event, affect me in a completely negative way and simply accept it as part of my path in life. I decided not to allow it define me anymore. A year ago today I was freaking out a little over the 9th of november, I didn't want it to be a big deal. It still affected me, it was still a sad day and I cried when I heard my mom on the phone and thought about you so much. But, I didn't want to let it define me and "ruin" my day. Hey, I was in the middle of the african bush, what I had to do was live it, and appreciate every second of that day. I try to do that every day now...appreciate. Be grateful. For life is too short and too unexpected to be in angst, to feel bummed over silly things, to not be PRESENT. 
Take a moment, stop, and think about your like right this moment: About today, how you felt, what you did, what you said or didn't get to say...are you happy with what you did? with who you are? where you're going? 
I tried to make this a short post but I guess I'm just too good at rambling. Bottom line is, LIFE CHANGES. People change, cities change, time takes it toll every second and we have to be aware of it. Take advantage of time, enjoy the little things and be thankful for every passing day (even for the shitt days), tell those around you that you love them, live without regrets. 

Cortito pero sentido

Hay días como hoy en que te extraño---pero de una forma distinta. No te extraño con tristeza, te extraño es como con ansiedad (la verdad no se que palabra usar). Me encantaría tenerte aquí para compartir mi vida contigo, poder echar cuentos y contarte buenas noticias. Hoy estoy contenta en general, fue un día de altibajos pero me voy a dormir feliz y te extraño así, con felicidad. Es difícil creer que ya pronto son seis años desde que partiste, jamás pensé que mi vida cambiaría tan drásticamente de un momento para otro y me ha tomado casi seis años poder volver a encaminarme y sentirme yo. A veces me desespero, me siento perdida, un poco sin rumbo en la vida pero después me acuerdo de cómo me sentía hace un año, de que la vida es un camino que se vive a pasos y estoy en esas…de a poquitos retomando mi camino sin tenerte a mi lado. Me voy a dormir extrañandote, deseando que me visites en mis sueños y que me des un abrazo de oso. Asi te extrañe feliz, me duermo con lagrimas en los ojos pues sé que si te veo solo será un sueño y tendré que despertar. Te amo y te extraño, la vida por acá va bien pero definitivamente sé que sería mejor teniéndote para compartir el camino conmigo.

Escrito el 25 de diciembre de 2008

Abriendo una caja al pasado (o sea, un disco duro viejo) encontré muchas fotos...pero también encontré el texto que les comparto a continuación. La verdad se me aguaron los ojos leyendome...quise poder viajar al pasado y darme un abrazo a mi misma, decirme que todo pasa aunque, honestamente, hay días en que todavía me siento como esa "yo" de hace seis años. No me siento completamente así ya, pero esos miedos de la soledad tienen sus estragos y es mi lucha interior constante. 
Sé que hay muchos que han perdidos a algún ser querido últimamente y que se pueden sentir así como yo me sentí, se lo comparto al mundo esperando que alguien lo lea y se identifique y sepa que no esta solo, que en el silencio los acompaño así no los conozca pues entiendo lo que es tener un corazón deshecho y les digo que de a poquitos todo cambia, no será igual pero mejora. 

(esta sin corregir, sin cambios, sin nada...crudo ante el mundo así como cuando lo escribí)

Alguna vez has sentido que gritas y nadie te escucha? Si, lo se, es muy cliche…tipica frase de pelicula que uno nunca cree verdad hasta que lo vive. El mundo entero sigue su vida normal, y no entiendes el porque, mas que el porque, el como. Como lo hacen? Como lo logran? Claro, no han vivido lo que viviste tu pero aceptan su cotidianidad y el estrago del tiempo …es como si no se han dado cuenta de lo peque;os que son ante el mundo, de lo insignificante que somos ante la fuerza del tiempo. No han tenido que llegar a aceptar que no pueden cambiar las cosas, no han vivido algo que verdaderamente quieran cambiar. Y es verdad, todo tiene su razon de ser, pero hay cosas que no se pueden aceptar tan facilmente, aunque se quiera…cosas y eventos que nos hacen cuestionar nuestra existencia, la vida,sus propositos y sobre todo, que pasa cuando llega a su fin. Es cierto que nos vemos con los que quisimos en vida? O simplemente es como un corto, no volvemos a saber nada de lo que vivimos, lo olvidamos todo? Creeme, cuando tienes todos estos pensamientos en la cabeza no es facil llevar un dia a dia ‘normal’, todo se cuestiona, todo esta lleno de recuerdos…no hay momento de paz. Lo que pasa es lo siguiente, no hay nadie a quien le puedas contar estas cosas…no saben que decir pero en general en verdad no sabes a quien contarselos. A mis papas? Ya tienen suficiente, a una psicologa que no me conoce y no cree lo que le digo, tampoco…amigos que uno cree que tiene pero se da cuenta que no, y esos que si tiene estan muy lejos…se puede hablar, claro, pero no es lo mismo. En momentos asi un acto de cari;o vale mas que mil palabras, una llamada a ver como estas, un abrazo simplemente porque si, hacen dar cuenta al corazon que no esta solo…que todavia existe algo de calor en el mundo y que no tiene que permanecer frio todo el tiempo. Que pensamiento tan feo, no? El pensar que el corazon se enfiro y no hay manera de calentarlo, si..es feo, pero asi se siente. No tengo esperanza, no tengo animos y me preocupa…como se supone que uno sigue viviendo con un corazon frio, solitario, que siente que nunca va a estar acompa;ado. Aclaro, no es que quiera sentirme asi, nadie escoge sentirse asi pero no se puede cambiar la soledad de un dia a otro. Ese es mi punto, que ya no se que hacer para deshacerme de este sentimiento. No se lo deseo a nadie, sentirse completamente solo…que no hay nadie que verdaderamente te piense y quiera que estes mejor. Cuando medio que logras hablarlo un poco, solo te miran con ojos de pesar y escuchan un rato pero no se imaginan que uno a veces quiere que lo busquen un poco…no siempre tener que extender la mano al otro y pedir ayuda como chiquito. Es un despertar feo, darse cuenta que estas solo, da miedo…pensar que en el futuro cuando ya los viejos seamos nosotros no vamos a tener con quien pasar los domingos por la tarde o las navidades. Creo que ya empiezo a hablar de mas, espero que se haya entendido el punto. Supongo que este es otro grito que nadie escuchara, seguire desahogando mis preocupaciones con un teclado frente a la pantalla hasta el dia que pueda hacerlo con alguien que sea un poco mas responsivo talvez.

About me

Here goes a little list of fun facts about me I have recently acknowledged or learned...quiza con un poco de spanglish. 
Please feel free to add some things I might have missed in the comments below! It could be fun...

- I cry over anything (a song, movie, a special commercial, because i'm sad or angry...happy tears are the hardest ones though, probably only had that once)

- I have recently discovered I love aguacate...y siempre me digo a mi misma "porque te perdiste de esta delicia 24 años de vida?!"

- Soy intensa. Cuando entro en confianza no me quedo quieta y hablo mucho, if it annoys you let me know or, better yet, just go away. 

- Soy muy brava, especialmente por cosas que pueden parecer insignificantes ...pero, se me pasa rápido y trato de controlarlo.

- Podré ser brava pero no orgullosa. Si se que me equivoque o la cague pido perdón. No entiendo porque hay gente que le cueste pedir perdón cuando saben que se equivocaron. 

- Im a family girl! Abuelos, tios, tias, primas(o), love them all to death! Mess with them, mess with me. 

- Tengo un love/hate relationship con navidad y esas fiestas, me entra el estres desde octubre...its a yearly struggle which i'd like to think is improving.

- If I like someone there is like a 10-day window where a roller coaster of thoughts go through my head at light speed, defining days.

- Siempre siento que el tiempo no es suficiente. Mis respetos Sr. Tiempo, creo que es a lo que mas le temo.
- I have a thing for photographing my shoes.
- I feel self conscious about how I dress sometimes. I usually don't give a fu*k but there are times when I  wish I had better clothes...All that said, I just rather spend my money on diving, photography equipment or gym clothes.
- Watches, sunglasses and perfumes = things I like but don't buy for myself (ideas for bday presents ;), I just don't understand their over priceness.
- I get in the way of myself...en todo! Be it relationships or career stuff, no me la creo y no hago las vainas. Como dicen...I am my own worst enemy.
- Ahora, este viene raro: I think I appear stronger than I really am, but then sometimes I realize I AM stronger than I think.
- Me quiero ganar la loteria. Si, quien no?
- I believe traveling is one of the best things in the world...and food. and sex probably too.
- Cada día me doy cuenta que me parezco mas a mi papá y a mi mamá...una mezcla rara, a veces ideal y a veces desastrosa.
- Soy muy tímida con ciertas cosas, y muy lanzada para otras. Seria bueno encontrar un balance.
- I don't read as much as I'd like to.
- Ticks and leftover food in the sink make me gag.
- Me da mucho miedo montar en moto, pero me encanta manejar rápido en carro.
- I'm pretty confident about how I look, with the usual shitt days and moments. Me cabrea la gente que no se quiere!
- On that note,  my hair is constantly boycotting my confidence. I'm starting to come to terms with it and just let it be.
- Me encanta ir a cine, pero siento que hablo mucho en las películas...soy bastante buena adivinando que va a pasar.
- When you're in my friend list: I'm a damn good friend!
- This is me procrastinating. Time to get moving. Goodbye