Decisions

Last week before going to Lima I had a conversation with my mom. She was very worried about how I was dealing with things, not really being myself and not understanding the dimension of the decisions I was taking. She was right, I knew that she was right...that I was undecisive and nervous and not completely sure that what I was going to do was O.K. Mainly, because I felt that I needed to do something else, something on my own, something that I love doing...
So, after hearing her out (I was crying too much to talk) I decided to start looking into international internships available, after seeing a million option I found a magnificent project that had my name written all over it - Thanda Photography Project.
Going to a game reserve in South Africa for 6 weeks to photograph wildlife...it's a dream come true. So, without discussing it with my parents, or Mr. P, or my therapist, I decided that was what I was going to do.
I'm going on my own, to do and learn something I'm very passionate about and try to clear my mind and find myself, detach myself from the role of daughter, of girlfriend, and have to just be plain simple me...in a new environment, new culture, new people, new everything. I'ts an experience I have dreamed abotu and never considered a possibility, always worrying about money and costs. But, I have a saving accounts where my parents have saved up money for my education, and I'm using that money for this - for my proffessional interest and what I believe will be a truly amazing learning experience.
My journey will begin in September. The project begins on the 16th and will last 6 weeks. The game park is located in the north of South Africa, near Durban and my days will consists of photography expeditions as well as participating in diverse conservation efforts with the communities in the are or helping out with data bases.
I feel very focused, and it feels great. For the past months I have felt very confused and kinda feeling that life is just passing me by, its an awful sensation. This week, I decided I was going to graduate oficially with the universities ceremony, I realized I did need an "official" closure of this stage of my life. And I also decided I was gonna take this risk, this adventure, this amazing experience and enjoy it to the fullest. I am at peace with my decision and incredibly excited.
The best part of all this has been the support I have recieved from the people that matter to me, my parents, my family, Mr. P. Specially Mr. P, who is aware that we don't really have a date set when we'll meet again...but knows that this is an amazing opportunity and something that I need to do.

This week I also finished my Antigymnastics cycle which was bittersweet. It helped me take this decision. When I began this cycle 2-3 months ago I was in such a different emotional state. I mean, I was depressed...full-on depression. I complained a lot about my internship (I was finishing it when I began this blog) but I believe everything in life happens for a reason. That internship lead me to an emotional crisis, during spring break I touched rock-bottom and realized I needed help and I needed to find a balance in my life. Now, a few months afterwards I feel like I'm there...I feel like I felt years ago, when I had a much clearer way of seeing life and what I wanted. I'm not saying it has been easy, it never has, but it feels great...feeling a bit like my old self again. I still cry, I still miss my brother and something I still get angry over what happened, I don't understand fully why things happened the way they did...but there is no point in me dwelling over it. It's time to live my life, to start my life again, im scared but happy, and the greatest thing of all is feeling loved through all of this.