Stress, whining, and friends

Beware, this is a pretty complain-y post...too bad, its just one of those weeks.

This week has not been going great. My visa application has been awfully stressful and having a venezuelan lady with some serious attitude problems be the one who answers the phone to give me bad news (I have to dial many times before they actually pick up) does not help. Turns out the need the papers I sent from where I'll be volunteering to have a stamp...yes, a stamp. A regular stamp that has the companies name. Seriously, stamps haven't been used in ages! That's what one of the companies told me, so...my days begin  my opening my eyes and having e-mail conversations with people across the world trying to figure out what they can do to help me get my visa...but when some of those e-mails say "things don't look good...talked to the project manager and there was a similar case about some stamps and the person had to end up cancelling". Here's the thing, I CAN'T (yes, the right word would be WON'T) cancel! Not only have more than 70% of my saving been spent already, this trip is in my life plan...I mean, what else will I do these upcomming months? I need to do this...for myself!

So, this visa stress began on Monday because not only is all this incredibly annoying and frustrating but I am also traveling to Bogotá next Wednesday...meaning, I need my passport back! Well, that would be $60 for getting my passport sent back + another $60 for resending it to re-apply + $60 for getting it back...and having about 20 nervous breakdowns in between because I'll need it to travel back from Bogota on the 2nd anyway.

So, option 2: Get an emergency passport! It automatically cancels my other passport but it doesnt matter because I need the visa on my passport, even though it isn't valid anymore as a traveling document (like when your passport expires but you have your U.S visa on it...the visa still works!). It will cost me $150 and a morning full of running around and sweating under panamanian humidity. That day will be tommorow, I need to drop off my mom at work, fight against traffic and pray for a parking spot, make my "denuncia" (spanglish, get used to it...don't remember the english word right now) then go to the Colombian consulate which is ALWAYS full (seriously, it wouldn't be a colombian consulate if it wasn't always full) and do all the paperwork necessary, go to a bank nearby and pay $150 dollars (although in Colombia i costs 150.000 COP (half) ). With this done I think I'll be able to de-stress just a little bit.

Besides all that visa stuff, IM SICK! Yup, woke up Tuesday morning with a really sore throat and it has simply gotten worst over the week, my ears hurting now. I went to the doctor today, he basically said it was nothing and sent me some meds (homeopatic everything)...still, $100. 

Can't complain too much though, yesterday was the foundation celebration of Panama La Vieja so schools were off meaning I was able to go tuesday afternoon to El Valle to spend the day with one of my best friends, Maria T. and her awesome bf, JacobO! It was a great trip, short but great...wine, blackout, broken glass, lamp-lit veggie lasagna dinner, passing out on the couch in less than a min (that was just me, I was exhausted...they danced around and bothered me). The next day I woke up first, stressed over my visa as I held an hour-long email conversation with someone in England trying to help me out...then yummy breakfast and a hike to La India Dormida. Now...that hike was a serious, serious kick to my ego. I feel I have never been in such a poor physical state, its disgusting (didn't help that I had to be weighed in at the doctor today..."omfg" was my reaction to my weight). And yes, I know, I have to get off my ass and actually exercise and then close my mouth and stop eating bread daily (my uncle is an awesome baker and has an awesome bakery...its HARD!), and cut out all my daily desserts. But mainly, I need to exercise again...I realized I haven't exercised in approximately 7 months (with a 3-4 week interval of Insanity which I loved!). I need to get back on track...somehow. I just get home SO tired from work, its insane...I love the kids but for reals, they are like little energy vampires, its amazing how tired I am from working 5 hours a day!

Here are some pics from Wednesday:

Cutes
Pre-sweatyness 

I love living in Panama

We did the same dorky face without knowing

Sadly we missed this waterfall on the way down but we were able to find another great spot to jump in

I love them

Not so great pic, pero tengo que salir en alguna foto!

  

We are good at doing stupid poses

On our way down!

Wednesday (besides getting my ass kicked by the mountain) was fun. The drive back home sucked though, I was so tired and really needed a co-pilot to keep me awake at some points.

I love Maria and Jake, but being with them in this trip made me miss Mr. P more...

This week I've really missed him, being all stressed out over visa and other little decisions I have to make and not having him around is hard...I normally don't say it, to anyone (except today when I told my awesome cousin). I guess I don't like sounding vulnerable to people, I still feel I have to portray this image of being a strong, independent woman for some reason and it might come off as rude or insensitive but I do miss him, a lot. 

Hopefully everything will work out...my dad keeps telling me that whatever happens is meant to be, if I don't get my visa then it's because some white shark in Cape Town had me planned for dinner. I try to tell him that it does matter, and all the money I put in to it, but he tells me to take it easy and just wait and see what happens...which to me is pretty ironic considering how he stresses over money and well, I do to because of him (a good and bad thing at times). 

Here are a couple more pictures of my summer so far, these were two weeks ago at a Happy Hour raising money for the Panamanian Flag Football Team who is competing in Sweden right now. One of my best friends, Victor (we paddled together when I was 16 and he's like a brother to me), is in the team and it was a great chance to meet up with friends and talk non-stop.

I love how the SlowSync Flash makes it seem like we were having some crazy wild time when it was a very chilled out night. 

Summary

It feels like I haven’t written in forever! I really miss having my space here to get thoughts out into the world but these past weeks have been crazy. So, this post is going to be a little summary of my life recently.

Birthday celebration – Last Tuesday (July 31st) I had a dinner celebration for my birthday. My uncle made AMAZING paella (it weighed 11.5 kg) and I had friends and family over. I made two delicious cheesecakes which were loved by everyone so it’s good to know my cheesecake recipe worked. A few days earlier I wrote to all my friends and family telling them about my trip to South Africa and you know, saying that in case they wanted to give me some birthday or graduation present, money would be the best thing for me at the time! I was seriously in shock and amazed at my birthday presents during this dinner, I still am to be honest…not only the fact that I got this money but I simply felt so much support and love from everyone there that it was pretty overwhelming. I am thankful from the bottom of my heart for everyone that came to spend that night with me, it was really great and it was nice having a birthday celebration!

Work – These past two weeks I have been working with my mom at her daycare. Last week was planning and this week has been first week of school. I am an assistant teacher with the kids aged 3.5-4 years and it has been great! I get home completely exhausted every day but the experience is wonderful and kids really amaze me. It’s incredibly for me to see how different they are, some of them can be talking and go to the bathroom by themselves and others a few months older or the same age haven’t gotten to that stage yet. Their personalities, creativity and ideas amaze me every day and it has simply been a great experience.

Friends – I am so tired from works that during the week I rarely see any friends or have any energy to go out but I have been able to see some of my friends and it’s been great, non-stop talking sessions. Tomorrow I’ll be going to an impromptu class reunion which is going to be great because some of the people who are going I haven’t seen in years (left school in middle school) so I’m sure tomorrow night will be a beer-drinking, crazy-story telling fun evening.

Family – My relationship with my parents has been pretty great, I’m taking advantage of being with them and cuddle in bed or hang out watching stupid TV shows or the Olympics (I love watching Olympics). We do have our occasional fights and what not but overall it’s pretty great, I love seeing how supportive my dad is with my mom’s new venture and feel that they’re in a good place. I’m also very proud of my mom for starting her school, it’s going to be a wild and crazy ride for sure but I’m so happy she finally decided to go ahead and do it and do it with so much love and passion. Working with her I have learned so much and admire what she does and knows, although I get very annoyed at the way some people abuse of her goodness and she won’t stand up for herself.

On the way back from the beach two weekends ago I felt my brother, it was strange but great. We were just driving back, my parents talking about who knows what and I just felt that we were complete, the four of us, my brother sitting on the other side of the car just…there. I pictured him taller than me, with his messy hair and mainly a big smile. I miss him and yes, my eyes water and tears roll down while I write this because I will always wish it were true, I will always wish that he was still physically here with us, but I know and am accepting the fact that is will not happen and that I need to live. This trip I’m about to begin (oh wow, in a month and 4 days actually) I really want to focus on me, on being alone and looking in and figuring myself out, coming to terms with life, really letting go and trying to find a new spark in life that I feel I lost years ago…Right now its just a tiny spark that comes and goes but I want it to fully explode, and light a fire inside me and keep that fire burning for many, many years to come.

Alright…that was pretty short (I could write pages on each of the subjects) and it’s almost midnight and I have to wake up in 6 hours so, goodnight. Hopefully I’ll be able to write more often, promise I’ll do my best  ( no computer at the time so it makes it harder…and just too tired to sit and think and write, but I know I have to do it, it really helps). 

Happy Birthday to Me!

This weekend was my 24th birthday, no big bash, no big celebration, just enjoying the beach, watching the olympics and eating way too much. I went to my parents friends' house in Bijao with my parents and 2 other couples friends of my parents, it was very relaxing and sadly there was no sun so no tan but it was still great. 
I was tired on friday night so I slept a little and then at around 11:45 woke up to chat a little outside but the conversation was too heated to get in when I had just woken up...so, I went back to bed and checked my watch right when I stepped inside..it was 11.59 pm, and basically the first 10 min of my birthday I cried...I really don't know what I was crying about but I just felt like crying. Its weird...being back home and having Panama as my "home base" but not really feeling it, my room doesn't feel mine and I know I'll only be here for a month so I dont feel or think that settling in has a point. Sure, my parents are here and I love being with them but its weird being in-transit...at home...I'm not unhappy, im simply kind of trying to find my place, physically, here again. Perhaps thats why this past week I've been so "in hiding", I haven't seen any of my friends yet and I feel its because im trying to find my spot, my focus, and a rythm of my day-to-day activities. I also realize that hey, I'm only here for a month, and I need to take advantage of that and see the people I care about and that care about me so starting tommorow with my bday celebration dinner I'm getting off my lazy butt and doing something about my social life, enjoying the people around me as much as I can!




Here are some pictures of the weekend, it was gray and rainy on sunday (and the rain has continued throughout the whole day today) but it was still a great birthday weekend and just what I needed.

A great way to start the day, normal and banana pancakes

These are the breakfasts I love

I love Panama

Two gorgeous ladies, an awesome friendship

The best woman in the world, my momma!

Champagne and good conversations

Relaxation 

Perfection

Chill

One year older

Thinking of you...

And this is how I enjoy spending my birthday...I'm an old lady, I know.

Daddy

My birthday company

Time for dinner!

An incredibly simple and delicious recipe!

My mom struggles using my camera

ByeBye Bogota

To start with, YEY my picture of Rudolf was one of the favorites for the Paper Mama Pet Photo Challenge..although for some darn reason I can't seem to get the button to work, all I get is this: 

<div align="center"><a href="http://thepapermama.com/" title="The Paper Mama Photo Challenge" target="_blank"><img src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7049/6973777489_f5b60d9504_o.jpg" alt="The Paper Mama Photo Challenge" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

Clearly I'm a newbie in the blogging world.

Yey! I did it! After many attempts and apparently I wasn't the only one having problems.

So, it happened...I said goodbye to Bogota and it was a lot harder than I thought. I mean, I know I’m going back in a month and I'll see everyone again but still...it was tough. It's closing a whole cycle of my life, four years of my life were spent there...I met friends, I traveled, I lived! Still, it didn't hit me until I was saying goodbye at the airport to some of my friends and Mr. P's family who has taken me in with so much love. 

Saying bye to Mr. P was definitely much, much harder than I expected, I think harder than we both thought it would be. I can't imagine what it must have felt for him...not saying bye to me but saying goodbye to his home city, to his family and friends, and going to a whole new country where he doesn't know anyone at all to start a new life! Heck, I'm nervous for him! 

I know I will see Mr. P in a month for a few days, I know it was me who made the decision not to go with him, to venture on my own for this self-exploration that I need to do…but still, there were a couple of times when we were waiting for my plane to beard that I doubted myself, I doubted my decision, there were a few seconds where I said to myself “are you really sure about what you’re doing?” but then I knew, I know, it is the right thing.

I am aware that things might not be the same with Mr. P after I get back, that I might stay in Panama or find somewhere else to go in life, but it is a risk I feel I have to take. I cannot go through life wondering what could have been, and then find myself in five years regretting decisions I did or didn’t take. Many people asked him if he wasn’t nervous, why he would “let” me do such a thing and his response and his support towards me just shows what a wonderful man he is…he understands me, he knows what I mean and I know that he needs his space to. He needs to be on his own as well, figure things out, what it’s like to be alone not in Moms house or with his girlfriend but really “out there”.

Truth is right now I miss him a lot…I know he’s alone in a hotel room and Im just very nostalgic about those last moments of the day, when we would cuddle in bed and tell each other everything about our day, being silly and petting Martina. Those little moments are the ones I miss the most and would love to have for just a few minutes daily…

                                                                                                                 
Goodnight for today, start working tomorrow morning and I’m sure it’s going to be  a long first day (aren't they always?)
             

The crazy lady on the plane? Yes, that would be me

Yes, I am the crazy lady on the plane. For the first time in some years I was actually calm about flying, I was sad about saying goodbye to Pacho and my friends and closing that whole stage of life. So, I get on the plane almost last, my eyes puffy and my nose red from crying. I sit and i'm relaxed, read the planes magazine and put on some Adele on my ipod. After about 45min we finally start moving to the air strip, I close my eyes and try to simply not worry, aware that there will be some bumpiness while we go through the clouds (and on the way down as well).
The plane takes off and I know it has to take a sharp right after (done this route many times). Well, it wasn't a little bumpy it was fucking AWFUL (yes, first time I use the f word on my blog...normally don't like using bad words but its the only way I can explain how bad it was). The whole plane shook horribly, there was a "free fall" sensation and i think at that point was where I lost it, i said "jueputa!" ("fuck") when it happened but apparenly I disnt just say it, i shouted it! The people behind me cracked up, I started crying uncontrollably, an argentinean man diagonal to me tried to calm me down, the man on my right tried to calm me down patting me on the shoulder, the woman on the other side also tried to comfort me..nothing all I could do was TRY to breath (i swear at one point I couldn't breathe). When the ahaking and crazy wind stopped I still kept crying but calming myself sown, the argentinean man explained it was just while we passed the clouds (even though I alrady knew that) he asked if it was my first flight and i told him no but since my brother died I get very scared of flying because I don't want anything to happen to me. He answered not to worry, my brother would be watchig over me...id he only knew every time I get on a plane all I do is ask Cris to be with me.
The lady next to me asked if i wanted some water or anyhong, i said no thanks (at this point i was still in a llittle ball position clenching to my legs). I started calmig down a bit..looking craY because i'd start giggling about the whole situation...yup, i was the crazy lady!
A stewardess who has sat in the seat in front of mine (emergeny exit) atood up and told me that everything would be ok (the same stewardess who asked me if i was feeling well when she saw me get on the plane with puffy eyes and red nose from crying). I said thanks again and started to stretch my legs, then another steward came over with some water and a while after ANOTHER came to ask if i was ok and that the pilot said it was nothing serious just a "little wind" (the Brazilian on my right said "a little? More like a lot!!"...exactly!)


So we are now half way through the flight... Ready for some bumpiness on the way down and seriously embarrassed for being the crazy ass lady on the plane who manages to get on crying and then have a panic attack in the first 5 min f flying....lets hope I don't go crazy mode again.

Lulo Cheescake

My friend Juli gave me an early graduation present, a Lulo Cheescake! And even better, I learned how to make cheescake (it's dangerously easy to make...which means I'll be making lots of it!)
I have no idea what Lulo is called in english, Juli and I talked about it and she said someone told her it was called "wild apple". In Panama they call it "naranjilla"...but really, you can make your cheescake with whatever you prefer. I personally love lulo, its super acid and delicious.
So, here goes my first recipe post!

All the ingredients necessary.
1 Egg, Lemons, Cream Cheese, Lulo (or any fruit you prefer),
Butter, Cookies (and sugar, not pictured)

Melt the butter and add the crushed cookies until the mix sticks in the pan

Cover the pan in the yummy cookie mix 

In a blender, add the cream cheese

...one egg...

...lemon juice... 

...some sugar...

and MIX.
The amount of sugar and lemon juice depends on you!
Personally, I like it more acid than sweet. 

When the mix is homogeneous and soft, pour it onto the pan 

And into the oven! The time in the oven is about 20 min, at medium heat.
Check to see when the mix is firm and bubbles appear on top, then its ready!

While the cheescake is cooking, start peeling or preparing your fruit.
With lulo, you must peel it well first and then cut it into big chunks.

Add some sugar to taste and let the fruit simmer for a while until tender and the liquid is gooey.

When the cheescake is ready let it cool for a while before adding the fruit 

Add the fruit to your cheescake and its almost ready!

Juli and I realized why lulo cheescake is never offered in restaurants,
the greenish gooey lulo doesn't look too appetizing 

Leave to cool in the fridge!

We were extra anxious about
eating some so we put it in the freezer for a while to speed up the process.

Deliciousness...pure deliciousness.

Hope you enjoyed it, im doing another one next week but instead of lulo I will be using raspberries...can't wait!