Didn't get to post anything yesterday, it was a busy day. I spent the morning with Martina at the park, two hours straight of running and playing while I chatted up other dog owners and trainers. It was perfect because she had her physiotherapy afterwards and was so tired she slept the whole appointment. After that I went to pick up my cousin from her doctors appointment, bought an orchid as a thank-you gif for my ex-boss and went to pay some bills. Ran back to the apartment, had lunch and went to my therapy session.
This was my frist psycho-therapy session with Monica (she's also my back therapist) and it was great! Because I won't be in Bogotá for much longer (2 months max) I really like having her as my therapist, she already knows me, know about my history, my family so talking to her is easy. I felt I discussed so many things yesterday, it was great. I talked about my plans for the future, my needs regarding my relationship to Pacho and mostly my relationship with my parents. I love them more than anything in the world, but one of the hardest things for me after my brother died was seeing their pain and constantly worrying about how they're holding up. I feel like I have accepted his death more, I have accepted that there is nothing I can do to change things, that I can't live thinking "what if" (there are still moments, and I believe there always will be, when these feelings come up). However, I can't stop worrying about my parents, and I need to be able to let go, cut the umbilical cord that re-made itself 4 1/2 years ago when Cris died. I will always love them and they will always love me, nothing in the world can ever change that, but I need to be able to let go and live my life apart and independent. Only that way will I be able to take my place as their daughter, not their partner or parent worrying constantly about them. After talking all this in my session, at night my mom wrote to me and we started discussing my decision to go to Lima instead of Panama and what I wanted to do out of life. I don't think she expected my answers, they were expecting me to go to Panama because that was what I had been saying for the past 6 months. But in these months I have really looked inside and know it is not the best decision. I know the worry like crazy not knowing what I want to do, but I don't even know what I want to do so having their pressure doesn't help solve anything. They are worried that I take the decision to move with Mr. P to Peru and I understand that, but it is also getting very frustrating having to hear everyones concerns or judgments about my decision to go with him "oh, you're getting married" "omg, when's the wedding?" and honestly im getting very tired of it. It isn't only my mom and dad, its other family members and some friends and truth be told it it our relationship and it is our decision. It is not the big deal that some people try to make it. He knows I'm not ready to settle down, he knows that I need to be on my own in life because I have to deal with certain thing personally as an individual. We talk about this decision, we talk about the future, but its no ones business. So I just wish people would back of a little and stop judging things they don't understand.
This post was very rambly, but I hope it makes some sense (not that theres anyone reading this yet). I'll be posting some pics from Sunday's rally up next. After that, its time to clean up my desk (its awful!) and take pictures from all the furniture I need to sell before I go.
Oh, and I'm going to Cali to visit my grandparents on Wednesday! so yey for that! We're gonna do a little graduation celebration for me because I won't be attending my university graduation (its at the end of August, way too late).
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Sunday, June 3, 2012
To-Do
1. Marti doctors appointment 11 a.m Monday
2. Psic. therapy 3 p.m
3. Virrey - 200mil
4. Nico, gift and note
5. Buy "Program" for Martina
6. Buy pills
Apartment
7. Make a list things for sale and pictures
8. Throw out & organize: bathroom, studio, kitchen, closets!
Peru
9. 8 pictures 3x4 in color, white background, front.
10. Hoja de vida, signed and finger print
11. Call Peru embassy, ask about judicial past authentication
12. ID photocopy
Tommorow i'll be uploading some pics from todays rally. It was great seeing so many people supporting the cause although truly heartbreaking hearing about some cases and seeing their families claiming for justice. Sadly, the justice system in this country is completely outdated and illogical in cases regarding abuse.
2. Psic. therapy 3 p.m
3. Virrey - 200mil
4. Nico, gift and note
5. Buy "Program" for Martina
6. Buy pills
Apartment
7. Make a list things for sale and pictures
8. Throw out & organize: bathroom, studio, kitchen, closets!
Peru
9. 8 pictures 3x4 in color, white background, front.
10. Hoja de vida, signed and finger print
11. Call Peru embassy, ask about judicial past authentication
12. ID photocopy
Tommorow i'll be uploading some pics from todays rally. It was great seeing so many people supporting the cause although truly heartbreaking hearing about some cases and seeing their families claiming for justice. Sadly, the justice system in this country is completely outdated and illogical in cases regarding abuse.
Sunday: no work tommorow!
It's the first Sunday in a while I'm not thinking "damn it....I have to work tommorow!" It feels weird and great...yet I´m a little worried about what I'll be doing these upcomming months.
I'm in a better mood today, specially with Mr. P but still feeling a bit down. I woke up, laid in bed for a while with Marti at one side an Mr. P at the other until my belly started craving some food. I love cooking breakfast so I made some scrambled eggs with tomato and onion (huevos pericos), arepa and Milo (chocolate milk). Yummalicious!
In a while I leave for a rally against violence towards women. This week a woman died after being brutally raped and tortured. The guy who did it has been caught, what is amazing is that he has 2 charges of sexual assault against him, and has served time for murder...yet he is walking around as if nothing happened. The legal system in this country is awful and completely unfair. So, me and Marti are walking over to the meeting point to meet up with aunt and cousin Dani, hopefully I'll meet up my friends Juli and Natalia who also said were going. After that, we're heading out for lunch at a great place called Abasto (a MUST go if you're ever in Bogota). The day isn't too sunny but it's not raining so that makes me happy. Time to get ready!
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Repeating story (in a smaller scale)
Mr. P made it home...realized how incredibly angry I was and couldnt stop apologizing. Honestly, more than angry im just hurt. Not only because he didn't keep his promise on this one night I was really looking forward to, but because it was heartbreaking to realize that my "friends" weren't really as close as I believed them to be.
It simply re-stated the fact that "my" friends are really Mr. P's friends, and that I'm there and know them and became friends with them because of him. It really feels like if I wasted my time in these past 4 years, instead of hanging out and spending more time with the friends I made in college I spent it with Mr. P's friends, "my" friends, and didn't take advantage of this other group of amazing people I lived with in school. As I mentioned here , friendship isn't easy for me. I have been hurt before, when I was at my worst, and am very cautious about everyone since. Funny I wrote about this less than a week ago to feel a big dissapointment again. And yes, I know that they don't even know they hurt my feelings, hell they don't even know I'm so messed up inside, but I am...and always will be...and I simply am hurt, and I feel sad, and dissapointed in myself for getting my hopes up regarding people again. I hate feeling sad, I hate feeling vulnerable and this just makes me want to close up even more again. This experience, as silly and insignificant as it may seem, simply proved to me that I need to be on my own somewher new for a while, to really fend for myself, to really HAVE to open up and trust people, I need to step out of my comfort zone.
Bad way to start the day
I'm a ball of emotion right now.
Last night I went to bed at 3.30 a.m, Mr. P told me he would be coming home in a van that was rented because they were on the outskirts of the city, its a dangerous road, and they were in party mode celebrating a friends b-day. He had also promised to take Martina to her 8 am class this morning.
My alarm goes off 6:45 a.m and Mr. P is no where to be seen. The light I left outside for him is still on, the bed is untouched, he never came home. - A little parenthesis here: After my brother died unexpectedly I tend to imagine the worst in cases like these. It can be a little paranoid but It just happens, I worry easily and a lot - So I start dialing his cellphone number and no one picks up, it rings and rings and nothing. I text a friend whom I know was with him earlier in the night but I know he's at kung fu class so won't answer, I text the b-day boy's brother asking if he knew anything about where Pacho was, all this while I keep on calling and calling him. His cellphone turned off - I freaked out. Now, here in Bogotá I don't only worry about a car accident but theft and assault so when his phone turned off I said to myself "Ok, someone either turned it off or his battery died" and started bawling because I was so concerned!
B-day-boy's-brother texts me back, Mr. P is at his house, he's asleep. Now, at this point im shaking and crying like a crazy person imagining the worst. Im SO relieved that he is alright and at the same time I want to kill him! Why didn't he just text me?! He knows I freak out easily! And also, he promised he would take Martina to her class and I would accompany him if I was feeling well (I planned on drinking last night and my hangovers are AWFUL so he was gonna be in charge of Martina). I was pissed since last night, I really wanted to celebrate being done with school and he promised he would get back early then decided to stay a bit longer, then a bit longer, and clearly a bit longer.
I am so angry at him for scaring me how he did, yet so happy to know that he is fine. I hate that I went to bed annoyed at him because he didn't come home to celebrate with me! I am aware at all times that life is too short-that you should never go to bed with a grudge because you never know what can happen and yet I went to bed annoyed (trying not to be and rationalize his decision to stay). And, whats worst, I'm still pissed at him! He promised he would come, he promised to take Martina, and I hate being mad still but I am and I think thats fine. If I just act as if nothing had happened and swallow everything its eventually going to be a lot worst...so basically I think our first fight (at least on my side) is coming up today. No more Mr(s) Nice Guy!
Last night I went to bed at 3.30 a.m, Mr. P told me he would be coming home in a van that was rented because they were on the outskirts of the city, its a dangerous road, and they were in party mode celebrating a friends b-day. He had also promised to take Martina to her 8 am class this morning.
My alarm goes off 6:45 a.m and Mr. P is no where to be seen. The light I left outside for him is still on, the bed is untouched, he never came home. - A little parenthesis here: After my brother died unexpectedly I tend to imagine the worst in cases like these. It can be a little paranoid but It just happens, I worry easily and a lot - So I start dialing his cellphone number and no one picks up, it rings and rings and nothing. I text a friend whom I know was with him earlier in the night but I know he's at kung fu class so won't answer, I text the b-day boy's brother asking if he knew anything about where Pacho was, all this while I keep on calling and calling him. His cellphone turned off - I freaked out. Now, here in Bogotá I don't only worry about a car accident but theft and assault so when his phone turned off I said to myself "Ok, someone either turned it off or his battery died" and started bawling because I was so concerned!
B-day-boy's-brother texts me back, Mr. P is at his house, he's asleep. Now, at this point im shaking and crying like a crazy person imagining the worst. Im SO relieved that he is alright and at the same time I want to kill him! Why didn't he just text me?! He knows I freak out easily! And also, he promised he would take Martina to her class and I would accompany him if I was feeling well (I planned on drinking last night and my hangovers are AWFUL so he was gonna be in charge of Martina). I was pissed since last night, I really wanted to celebrate being done with school and he promised he would get back early then decided to stay a bit longer, then a bit longer, and clearly a bit longer.
I am so angry at him for scaring me how he did, yet so happy to know that he is fine. I hate that I went to bed annoyed at him because he didn't come home to celebrate with me! I am aware at all times that life is too short-that you should never go to bed with a grudge because you never know what can happen and yet I went to bed annoyed (trying not to be and rationalize his decision to stay). And, whats worst, I'm still pissed at him! He promised he would come, he promised to take Martina, and I hate being mad still but I am and I think thats fine. If I just act as if nothing had happened and swallow everything its eventually going to be a lot worst...so basically I think our first fight (at least on my side) is coming up today. No more Mr(s) Nice Guy!
Surprising evening
The night did not go as expected. It wasn't crazy drinking and loud music, it was more of a chill hang out thing...However, this wasn't the surprising part, what really surprised me was who actually came. To me, today was important. It was the celebration of my 4 years of college, of actually finishing my internship and really ending that stage of my life. I wanted to have everyone who had been a part of this piece of my life to be with me and celebrate...but most of them weren't (including Mr. P).
Maybe I didn't express how it was really important to me? That just proves my point that I have built these high ass walls that no one even knows me well enough to know that this is something big for me (hello, I even sent a fb invite days ago!). Pretty ironic this happens a couple of days after writing about my goals to open up more with friends, making it even harder than it already is because I just feel unimportant basically.
But, truth is, I am pretty hurt but at the same time couldn't be happier about the people that actually came, my college buddies. Although I wasn't particularly close to all of them throughout these years it was really great having them here, hanging out and reminiscing on stories and funny moments. With my time here in Bogotá coming to an end, I really want to take advantage of this month 1/2 to hang out with friends, making fun trips somewhere near the city and just enjoying our time together. After this everything will change, we will all be moving to different places, getting all sorts of different jobs and lifestyles so I think enjoying these last months of "vacations" would be the best possible way to spend my time here.
I'm going to bed now, its 3:30 am. Mr. P hasn't even arrived from a bday party he was celebrating, which means I will probably have to be the one waking up in 3 hours to take Martina to her obedience training. I really hope that won't be the case because I'm totally looking forward to enjoying my first day completely "off" (I even cleaned up kitchen tonight so I didn't have to worry about it tommorow).
G'night!
Maybe I didn't express how it was really important to me? That just proves my point that I have built these high ass walls that no one even knows me well enough to know that this is something big for me (hello, I even sent a fb invite days ago!). Pretty ironic this happens a couple of days after writing about my goals to open up more with friends, making it even harder than it already is because I just feel unimportant basically.
But, truth is, I am pretty hurt but at the same time couldn't be happier about the people that actually came, my college buddies. Although I wasn't particularly close to all of them throughout these years it was really great having them here, hanging out and reminiscing on stories and funny moments. With my time here in Bogotá coming to an end, I really want to take advantage of this month 1/2 to hang out with friends, making fun trips somewhere near the city and just enjoying our time together. After this everything will change, we will all be moving to different places, getting all sorts of different jobs and lifestyles so I think enjoying these last months of "vacations" would be the best possible way to spend my time here.
I'm going to bed now, its 3:30 am. Mr. P hasn't even arrived from a bday party he was celebrating, which means I will probably have to be the one waking up in 3 hours to take Martina to her obedience training. I really hope that won't be the case because I'm totally looking forward to enjoying my first day completely "off" (I even cleaned up kitchen tonight so I didn't have to worry about it tommorow).
G'night!
Friday, June 1, 2012
Lets get this party started
So...it happened! I finished! This morning I woke up feeling weird...I did have things to do (go to the bank, pay rent, get all my papers for graduating, etc) but I realized I don't have anything to really do afterwards! No more semesters, no more papers due, no more classes, no more internship (so thankful for that one).
I'm still very confused at what I'm going to do these upcoming months, Panama..Peru...Spain....So many places i want to go and so many things I want to do. And absolutely no idea how I'm going to finance it!!
Have to go for now, im having people over to celebrate being finished with school so need to go buy some snacks and drinks. Expect a loooong post tommorrow! PARTY TIME!
I'm still very confused at what I'm going to do these upcoming months, Panama..Peru...Spain....So many places i want to go and so many things I want to do. And absolutely no idea how I'm going to finance it!!
Have to go for now, im having people over to celebrate being finished with school so need to go buy some snacks and drinks. Expect a loooong post tommorrow! PARTY TIME!
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